The Small Stuff

I can’t help but feel like the older I get, the more neurotic I get.

You would think that I would have been crazy as a child, and in my teen years. My life had plenty of upheaval–I moved ten times in ten years, and my mom divorced twice–but my memory of my childhood is that I was mostly calm and content. I was shy and chubby and awkward, but I had my books. I felt like your typical emo outcast in high school, but I had some wonderful friends. Overall, I wouldn’t say that I was excessively or abnormally needy. (Although, for those of you who knew me then, feel free to correct me!)

With my (in-progress) transition to adulthood, however, it seems like my neediness and selfishness and particular-ness are reaching new heights.

I feel like I require a great deal more downtime now than I did as a kid. When I began high school, I had school every day, choir practice twice a week, dance class, and homework every night. Now, I feel disgruntled when I have to attend a lunch meeting, instead of taking my normal lunch hour, and god forbid I have to work late one evening. I shake my fist at the sky and think, universe, how dare you force me to deviate from my routine? And then I wonder, what precisely in my life is so stressful that I need so much downtime to recover from it?

I have a desire for the details in my life to be precise. I take great joy in making sure that my computer’s clock precisely matches the official time. I actually have Time.Gov on my bookmarks toolbar. When I’m in the car, my car’s clock needs to match exactly the time they say it is on WFPL. I will immediately adjust my car’s clock while driving if it does not match, because clearly, having my car’s clock synchronized with WFPL’s clock is about fourteen times more important than having my hands positioned on the steering wheel at 10 and 2.

I check the weather and the news several times a day, and I feel unsettled when I don’t have a basic grasp on what both are doing. Do I really need to know how much the DOW has dropped today? Of course not. I don’t even have any investments! But it certainly feels like I need to know.

Truthfully, I pride myself on being self-aware. I can’t help but constantly analyze my thoughts, feelings, and actions to try and figure out why they exist the way that they do. Most of the time, I feel like I have a good handle on why I behave the way I behave, but I can’t figure out why my level of selfish I-NEED-IT-THIS-WAY-AND-NOW-PLEASE-AND-THANK-YOU has increased so dramatically.

Is it just a downward spiral from here on out? Because shit, if I am this particular and needy now, at the age of 26, what am I going to be like at the age of 50? Instead of just feeling grumpy when I go to Target and they have some easter candy out, but not my favorite Bunny Basket Eggs, am I going to deem it necessary that I hold the Target employees hostage until they provide me with the requested Bunny Basket Eggs? I mean, hell, I hope to have kids one day, and if there is one thing that will screw up your schedule, it is kids.

Or is it that the absence of any real stress and responsibility in my life is creating this sense of urgency? I am rarely wronged. I am lucky enough to currently live rent-free, which allows me to do things like occasionally travel and save my extra money. I am lucky enough to have a job. Barack Obama is the president. Is the lack of major stress in my life causing me to look for stress in the little things? Maybe I need to go back to school, just so I have actual deadlines to worry about.